5 Awful Things I Did to My Ex Boyfriends

Does anyone else really dislike using "I, Me, My" more than a handful of times? Not entirely sure if this post will make it to be published, my threshold for talkin about myself is fairly low.

Damn. Already irritating.

5 - Just not giving a sh-t

I knew he was leaving in ten months, and despite the fact that I really did love him... I still didn't care enough to have an argument or really what he was upto on his nights out with people he thought were fit. Apparently that can really do a number on a person, especially after you break up.

4 - Being constantly drunk

I can't even remember. That said, I do know that when inebriated I have an absolute inability to take anything seriously, my only motivation is to amuse myself, and there is no sexytime. On a list of things that men hate, they score pretty high I guess.

3 - Switching off my verbal filter

He wanted to know what I was thinking! Except once that floodgate opens its really hard for me to close it. For the next month and a half, everything that popped into my cranium came out the cakehole. If I had to describe what happened to his self esteem in terms of environmental disasters; it was not so much a tsunami or an earthquake, but a gradual and massive landslide caused by successive rainy seasons causing erosion at the bedrock level. Its okay though. I am like 90% certain that he hasn't killed himself, but I am not really sure because hes blocked and pre-blocked me on every social medium.

Is pre-blocking a real thing?

2 - Listening to his stupid friend

Instead of asking him about what was going on, I just allowed the bile to fill me up and destroyed my shot at being mrs-stupidly-rich-american. There really was no excuse for it.

1 - Telling him I loved someone else

I tried everything that week to get him to dump me, and none of it worked. None of what I said was true, of course, and as it turns out he more than got his own back by going through my phone and friends and deleting every singleton without a vagina. The reason (not that I'm condoning this kind of behavior at all) was because I had a habit of freaking out when guys got too close, and he got as close as anyone ever had/will get. In hindsight, that really should have been when we broke up.

URGH.

That was fairly therapeutic actually. Whats the worst thing you've done to people you've dated?

5 Awful Things My Ex Boyfriends Did to Me

Now I am usually not one to buy into the whole culture of ex-bashing. The everyday me is quite content to just let things slide and let the past remain in the past. I will also quite normally not even rise to the tiniest scent of the bait "you must have it so easy". Not even a little bit. Recently however, I can't seem to get some of this stuff off my mind. Particular moments keep replaying over and over, and its starting to get in the way of some actual thinking that I need to do. So in the spirit of clearing the air, heres five awful things my ex boyfriends did to me:

5 - Mistaking me for my crazy stalker

In at five we have the final mistake of my first boyfriend. Picture if you will, a dark and stormy night. A well cultivated argument designed to produce the perfect make-up sex is brewing, and someone signs out at the perfect moment to allow the rage to turn... or so he thought. A few hours later there's a text, and its all over. So what happened here?

Crazy Stalker.

After spending the best part of an hour repeatedly trying to sign in, she pops up the moment that I am away and starts a whole new argument involving the word pedo. Fun ensues.

The next morning, things are put to rights and almost reconciled, except for the fact I can never now forget that someone who supposedly knew me best of all, mistook me for someone so totally different. She didn't even use the bat emote. I mean seriously. Who doesn't use that?

4 - Telling lies about his sexual history

I literally almost shank'd this mutha-f- right where he stood.

For me, the conversation prior to the first time we get down and dirty, is a little sacred moment where if there is a bible on hand I will either make you swear on it or brain you with it. Judge all you want, I know I'm fierce.

The conversation goes a little like "So how much of a ho are you?" and the desired answer is "Kinda but nothing in the last three to six months". So when I heard "Nothing for the last two years" followed by "And I had a test last month" you can safely assume I was impressed enough to put out.

Except he was measuring in rat years. He'd had more unprotected sex with more questionable looking boys than I even knew existed in this charming little country town. If looks could kill... sirrious.

3 - Forcing me to choose between him and my friends

In at three, some recent history!

And moreover. Making the choice for me. As it turns out, my charming boyfriend-at-the-time decided that he was going to take on the role of my personal net nanny, and not only deleted the contact information of some of the most important people in my life, but also decided to send them nice little notes to the tune of: "F--k you, f--k your dog, and f--k your whole family".

For some reason, only one of them has actually wanted to get back into my life now that I'm shot of the loser. Funny that.

2 - Asking me for help, then completely throwing everything back in my face

A repeat offender in at two, and honestly not the last time he's going to contribute. Every now and then he'd come to me in tears (in between bouts of making people vanish) and beg and plead for my assistance. Then when I try to help him out, he'd turn it into some spiteful revenge attack because I had the audacity to see him vulnerable. Examples too stupid to even share at this point. Repeat ad nauseum.

1 - Getting engaged to someone else in three days

Yeah. Two years and this is what I am presented with after three days:

-censored- is now ENGAGED.

"15 people like this" "25 comments"

F--k you Facebook. F--k you lots.

See wasn't that nice and civil? No names, and absolutely no uncertainty. Except for perhaps why I put up with all this crap and haven't had any real revenge. Stay tuned for my next totally self indulgent post, for the 5 awful things I did to them! - SR

Spazz

Talking to yourself is already considered a bad sign, but when you personify it with little floating angels and devils does it become socially acceptable? Not in England. In moderate 'we're Christian but only when it suits us and especially not if we're hangin' with some fly hos' rural England it makes it much, much worse.

I had a blog planned earlier, but then my younger brother happened (again) and it was derailed in an argument over how I managed to have the audacity to leave him such a small amount of food, regardless of how much he had eaten at his girlfriend's house or how much he had eaten in town (not on his own money). Jocks are universally dickish it seems.

So instead you get a three paragraph special with some pretty (shoddy) pictures, and my word that I'll figure out what I'm doing with Wednesdays before "the worst day of the year for singletons". Which isn't actually Valentine's Day, but the immediate Saturday after it. There's nothing like a "50% off all Valentines Day Shit" sale to really jab the knife in.

Good Lord SR, listen to yourself XD

Furious. Not too fast, though.

I have never understood the whole idea behind TGIF. Why does everyone like Friday so much? Wouldn't it make more sense to say TGIS? Saturday and Sunday both seem like better candidates for thanking a god.

Because I have nothing better to go on about, I'd like to plug a few things today.

First, the book Starcrossed by Elizabeth C. Bunce. It's fantastic. I love strong heroines (not to be confused with heroins), spies, magic, and political intrigue. Too. Good. Highly recommended. Which reminds me, you should totally add me on GoodReads.

Second, the upcoming Showtime drama "The Borgias". If you thought The Tudors was full of sexy, dangerous people, wait until you get a look at these Italians. The best part, aside from the bloodthirsty Pope Alexander VI, is the fact that he is played by Jeremy Irons. JEREMY. IRONS.

Third, the movie The King's Speech is super cute. I saw it recently, and, already having crushes on Colin Firth and Geoffrey Rush, I found it to be adorable. Speech disorders, royalty, and British bromance is way too great a combination. I also saw the remake True Grit, which I found to be lackluster. So I won't plug that.

Fourth, I should do something on new music, but I know so little about new music. The closest I can get is the new Decemberists album, which is not anything too new, considering how long they're been around. That, and it's not as good as their previous albums. So I really don't feel compelled to speak much on its behalf.

My cat is trying to eat a roll of tape. I suppose I better stop him. Pictured here,


you can see how weird he is already. We don't need to add the effects of eating tape to that. (Also note, he just erased that last sentence by pressing backspace. I didn't think I needed an editor that badly. I also was unaware how sensitive he is about negative comments.)

The Curious Case of- wait. Is it hump-day already? Fuuuu-

I currently have the worst case of January sickness in family history. It is now so advanced, that numerous medical experts all agree that the only conceivable cure, is to headbutt a drill-bit. Recently, a local philanthropist has stepped forward, and offered his services in steadying said drill (with pre-loaded bit) via the medium of a shiny new bracket and/or vice. We're all very touched by his generosity, and have put him forward for next year's honours, but in the interim have presented him with a miniature bracket and/or vice in silver plate. Meanwhile I await the cure in deepest anticipation.

January sickness, is of course, a total crock. It's that feeling of empty headed-ness that follows getting your hopes up in the scrag-end before New Years. Anyone may fall prey at any time, and no matter how many loose ends you endeavour to tie up, you are not safe. Citizens! Remain vigilant!

Side effects can include but are not limited to; elevated levels of dickishness, dickery, and lesser douchery. With a fair to strong chance of a rather nasty case of not-getting-laid-in-the-conceivable-future. Additional side effects may include the desire to be antisocial, and break every single one of your resolutions in the space of a week. The Kharmic backlash from all this self indulgent bullhockery, can be perhaps best summarised in this unfinished artists'* impression:

This year...

I will finish at least one picture.

Probably.

Good lord.

Also I will learn how to paint mud that doesn't look like crap. I am very sorry Rayne, for accidentally making it appear as though you've been surfing in road pie.

Maybe one day, society will forgive me. - SR

*In the loosest possible sense of the word.

Tempting and Titillating Tuesdays

I'm Tuesday.

I'm the forum's resident sassy feminist, and occasional ginger.

I enjoy putting things in my hair, like ribbons or feathers, and coming up with epic band names. I also enjoy writing, drawing, brightly colored make-up, drinking tea and having tea parties, and reading anything I can get my filthy hands on. Sometimes I make cookies or brownies, but more often I make jewelry.

I could go on and on about my likes and dislikes and long walks on the beach (lots of sand), but I think I would fall asleep at how boring I can make myself sound and it isn't even 7 o'clock yet.

But, lacking anything of interest or importance to say, I shall leave you, fair reader, in anticipation of sharper insights and wittier commentary. May your Tuesdays be full of humor, joy, and more chocolate than you can shake a stick at (I assume you are trapped in a very tight space with the chocolate, and must eat your way to freedom since you lack the room to shake anything, even your head).

Go forth, my lovelies. Stay lovely, and come back!

Furious Fridays

Well. I'm Danielle. I'll be posting on Fridays.

I don't think I'm the resident anything. Recluse? International super spy? Pseudo-werewolf? I'd say resident sass, but I think that fits all of us.

I'm soon-to-be 24, and live in a currently cold part of the U.S., and I must tell you that not wearing a hat in such temperatures is a very, very poor idea. I'll give you a hint, though, as to which state; I'm surrounded by lakes, and I could say that I have visited the thumb. And that I know first hand how easy it is to get to Canada to drink. Coffee. Because when I was 19, that's what I did. I went to Canada for some Starbucks. Why would I want beer when I could have warm, bitter goodness?

My geeky interests include writing (see SR's previous post link), reading teen and youth books (especially fantasies), and watching my cats do really, really stupid things. Like chase their own tails. Or attempt to climb the walls.

I used to be really into making LJ icons. But who uses LJ anymore?

Enough about me. Let's talk about stupid signs.



How fun is that fact, really?

Well Hello!

Ohhiiii~ My name is SR, and I would be the resident british/homo/scribbler. Tapping in your general direction every wednesday bringing you mid-week fabulousness and satisfying your need for awful things. You don't have a need for awful things? Oh well. It'll be an education anyway!

So uh... hmm. About me. Well. I am 22 year old country boy, from a small town south of Manchester. I know more about cows and crop rotation than I am comfortable with, and have recently shown signs of becoming a wino. I like reading, writing, drawing and wasting my life away playing video games, as well as arrogant kind of elitist men who think they're all that and a bag of chips. That last one is probably a birth defect. Maybe some sort of malfunction from being born in the 80s.

Though obviously that's no laughing matter.

Moving on? Yes. Hi!

So yeah. This blog thing. We're not really sure what we're going to be doing on up in hyar, but you can rest assured that it will probably be much more awesome than the majority of things you're liable to find elsewhere. So stick around!

And now for no reason, this is what I would have looked like in the seventies. Probably.

Ohhhhhhh yeah. Good lord. I gotta end this post now before I spam you with any more crap from my hard-disk. More intros coming this week! - SR

PS: I wish I could say that this kind of unsolicited BAD photoshopping won't be posted here again, but that would be a terrible terrible lie.

I am very sorry...

...about the name of this blog, but I pretty much had to do it.

Posting will start soon, and when it does, this gods-awful introduction will be ferreted away and disposed of, whilst you're dazzled by our brilliance.

Also, I am loving that google chrome does not think that BLOG is a real word. For my amusement moreso than yours, here are the five magic suggestions for words it thinks I was trying to type:

glob

bog

log

slog

biog

Good lord.